1. Trustworthiness – No great love can be born until trust is established. You must look for the signs. For example, these people are not afraid to tell you when a book is crap in their reviews. They say like they please, while still being kind and informative. Their thoughts are cohesive, relatable, and well-written, which OBVS means they’re a good person, duh. Because only nice people write well and stuff. But, seriously, if all a blogger ever does is list ALL THE GOOD THINGS, then how can you be certain they’re telling the truth. No one wants to place their trust in a butt-smoocher. Kissing butts for them might feel good, but who knows WHAT they’d be spreading to you if you engaged in a conversation with them and asked for any sort of advice or opinion. 'Sides, you don't want an unrepentant liar for a compadre.
2. Book Bullying Tendencies – Once you’re certain of their power and dominance, it is time to take things a step further. Submit to their wishes as you’ve secretly wanted to do for a long time. (I feel like I’m forming a segue to How To Get Kinky 101, but just bear with me.) Half of the time you don’t know what you want to read, you’re unable to make these decisions for yourself because there are So Many Good Things, and how could you possibly choose? With a book bully for a friend, you never have to wonder. Because they will do horrible things to you until you read what they tell you, i.e. incessant nagging, stalking, etc. And, face it, you need that sort of constant push in order to get through your reading pile.
3. Mood Swings – Why is having a fellow blogger friend with mood swings important? Simple. You want someone who is going to just as easily tweet you something full of love, cheer, and support as you do someone who has a quicksilver temper. Not to be directed at you, mind you, but at your enemies and those evil authors (*cough* Sarah Rees Brennan *uncough*). Think of them almost like your body guard and best friend rolled into one person. A person you can rely on to sweetly lure you into a reading trap and cackle over their subtle manipulation and your subsequent torture, but then cyber-back slap anyone else who tries it. Get me?
4. Violence – In this way, violence isn’t too far behind. And once you’re sure that they don’t ONLY get angry, that they can be wise and clever as well, then you can be reassured that this person will hold you back when necessary but can just as easily join in the drop kicking buffet. Preferably, when talking to authors. You want someone on your side who understands you and can make the simple switch from defensive to offensive in a blink. They’ll either talk you out of verbal assault or pass you their extra pitchfork. It’s fun.
5. Stalking – That said you want a blogging friend who is also an unabashed stalker. Online and offline as well. Because where’s the fun to be had in doing it all by yourself (*snickers* don’t go there, even for a second)? When you get hauled in for harassment, you want someone there next to you who will absolutely play the harmonica to your glum singing in that awful jail cell. Just imagine a world in which a two-part harmony in prison couldn’t be had. All would be wrong.
You always want at least one partner in crime, otherwise shenanigans are less fun and more terrifying. You need that bond, the Angela to your Kami, Jem to your Will, Anna to your Cas, Myrnin to your… Well, you get the idea. Maybe I should’ve really titled this, How to Recruit Your Partner in Crime via Kinky Subtext...
Damn. There go my pageviews down the cyber toilet.
But anyway, without your other half... you're just a half. And if you're not satisfied with half a sandwich, half an hour of Vampire Diaries, half of a book, what makes you think you'll be satisfied with JUST HALF?
If you need any friendly recommendations, comment down below.